Potter's Very Practical and Useful Advice Column
by Doctor Lovegood
Summary: Harry Potter, AKA The Chosen One is going through a mid-life crisis. So what does he do to spice things up? Get a new job at The Daily Prophet! Say what? Free advice -and very practical and useful advice at that- from Harry Potter himself is being given out for public consumption! You heard right, Harry Potter has an advice column in the newspaper. Read for a better life.
1. New Job, No Inspirational Quotes

Harry Potter has lived through many terrible things. When he was only one, a crazy Dark Lord broke into his house and killed his parents, and then tried to kill him. Then he had to deal with his abusive relatives. You would think that by the time he goes to Hogwarts things would get better, but nope, not for The Boy Who Lived.

Lucky Harry gets a yearly life-threatening experience at the end of each and every school year, courtesy of the Dark Lord himself!

But you already knew that. In fact, everyone seems to know everything about Harry Potter, The Chosen One, the wizard who defeated Lord Voldemort. Favourite colour? Red. His choice of dessert is treacle tart, and he has a soft spot for snowy animals and big black dogs. When you're as famous as him, even such mundane facts become common knowledge.

However, there is one less known fact about him. Even his closest friends were surprised to hear of it. It's that the great Harry Potter absolutely despises inspirational quotes.

You heard right. The guy who is basically the human embodiment of inspirational quotes hates them with a passion. Follow his dreams and become an Auror he did. Harry never gave up in his quest to defeat Voldemort, and with such a mindset he succeeded.

But now, in his mid-life crisis with three noisy kids, a busy wife, and government job, Harry can safely say that he will hex the next person who quotes Dumbledore or Mother Theresa to him.

Just think about it, what if you're telling the next Dark Lord to never give up and follow their dreams?

You see, Harry isn't the kind of guy to tell his kids some sort of inspirational quote when they're upset or stressed. When his son Albus was afraid of being sorted into Slytherin, he didn't say something like "wherever the wind sets, your smile will upturn." Does that even make sense? I bet you thought it did. No, Harry is above giving obscure and blatantly wrong advice. He wasn't The Chosen One for nothing!

Except for, no one really knows this little tidbit about him. And now here he is in his late thirties, in his cushy desk job, because it turns out with no evil dark wizard to boss people around, there is much less crime, and being an Auror quickly turns into paperwork. Of course, this leaves Harry bored throughout his working hours. Ron works at George's joke shop, and Hermione is far too busy as the head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Oh, and he's The Chosen One. The wizarding world has an odd fixation with him and as such, he has appearances to keep.

Maybe he should have taken up professional Quidditch.

Anyway, a bored person is a compliant person. With all his kids off at Hogwarts, and not back until the holidays, Harry has absolutely nothing to do. And despite dueling the Dark Lord, having the entire wizarding world turn its back on him and see his godfather die before his very eyes, what is about to happen will be the catalyst of his midlife crisis.

"Harry, I think you should start an advice column," said Ginny. Harry quickly swallows his coffee before he can spit it out onto his delusional wife's face.

"Have you been sleeping with Nargles or something," replied Harry, looking up from the Daily Prophet. The key is to look cool, calm, and unaffected. That way she will quickly drop the topic and he can continue adulting without any distractions.

Of course, Ginny continued talking.

"I know you're not a morning person, but hear this out. Both my boss and I were discussing it and we thought it would be very well received by the public!" Harry rolls his eyes in response. "You mean my fangirls."

"And fanboys!" Harry gave Ginny a pointed look.

"You're my wife, shouldn't this bother you?"

"I just feel so threatened by a bunch of hormonal teenagers. I'm quivering in my socks," Ginny said dryly.

"I'm not doing it. I don't have the time for it. I'm a very busy man, you know." Ah yes, Harry Potter: The Boy Who Lived, The Chosen One, and an underrated Master of Evasion. However, sometimes no matter how good you are and how hard you try, you are bound to fail. Put that on a pillow!

"What do you mean you have no time? You delegate all your paperwork to the new recruits, and you haven't been on a mission in over a month! Also, is that stomach flab I see?"

"Hey! Delegation takes mental effort."

"And an advice column makes money! Plus, it'll give you something to do. You seem so bored lately, I honestly think this will be good for you." Harry deeply considered Ginny's words for less than a moment, but in the end, his stubbornness won.

"I am not giving advice for public consumption, Gin. Isn't it kind of pretentious? All I did was defeat Voldemort, that doesn't make me the jack of all trades. If I'm so bored, obviously I'm not life advice material."

Ginny strides toward him, puts her hands on his shoulders, leans into his ear and whispers "you can give relationship advice." Harry's breath hitches.

"Can I, though?" Ginny's leaned forward, her grip on him tightening.

"You will after tonight."

"..."

Oh no, this is not going to work on him.

"Really?" Damn it.

"BUT, only if you agree to do the advice column!" Ginny said with authority.

"I'm not sure."

"I think it'll be good for you!"

"I'll consider it."

"It'll make you happy!"

"I'll talk it over with Ron."

"Think of all the exciting relationship advice you can give."

"Deal! Wait, DAMN IT!" Ginny laughed in response and kissed him on the cheek.

"I wasn't supposed to fall for it again!" Harry whined.

"That's why I love you," Ginny replied with a smile on her face. Her eyes were sparkling.

"I'm so happy that you agreed to do this. I'll owl Janice and tell her you're in. Oh, just you wait, Harry, you'll love it! Just don't embarrass the kids too much. Their friends also read The Prophet.

"Fine, but I have one condition."

"Hm, yes?" Ginny quirked an eyebrow.

"No inspirational quotes."

* * *

"No inspirational quotes?" Cried Janice Asher, the current editor and chief of The Prophet.

"It's either that or no deal," Harry said stonily. Both him and Ginny were in her office in Diagon Alley. Ginny made Harry get up in the wee hours of the morning on a Saturday (8'o clock!) to go to their meeting with her boss, to discuss the finer details of his advice column.

"But the guy before you, Bernie - bless his soul, may he rest in peace- always began his response with an inspirational quote and centered his entire answer around it! We wanted to keep a theme." All these expectations were beginning to irritate Harry. In fact, just as he was about to get off his seat and apparate out of the office, Ginny stepped in.

"Don't bother with him, he can very stubborn about the banalest of things," she said. Harry sighed in relief.

"Miss, it's about time the public knew the real me."

Janice looked up from her coffee, with an "it's too early for this" look on her face. "And the "real you"... cannot handle inspirational quotes?"

"Exactly."

"Not at all?"

"I'd rather fight another dark lord."

"Not even a teeny bit?"

"Even the teeniest bits wouldn't suffice," Harry deadpanned.

"Janice," Ginny starts. "We can't just throw away this opportunity! We've got Harry Potter here, semi-willing to run an advice column with only one condition, and you're trying to dispute it?"

Janice gave a sigh of resignation. People are so persistent these days, can't she just have a break and run her newspaper the way she wants to?

"Alright, fine! I'd rather you than Bernie's ghost. Do what you will, just try to be positive in your answers, to some extent. We have a very wide range of readers, from stressed Hogwarts students, to stressed Ministry employees and business workers, to the content elderly population. You're hired. The column runs every Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. Keep your responses family friendly."

Ginny's face lights up. "Congratulations Harry!" Ginny gets up from her set and hugs him, "Just you wait, soon you'll be renewed with youthful energy!"

"Excuse me?" Harry is already regretting life choices.

"This is why I hired her!" Janice said. "The passion, and not being afraid to say the cold heart truth." Oh, if she wants brutal honesty, then Harry will gladly give her some.

"Is that all?" Harry asked wearily. He may have been soft earlier, but now he will be more firm. Harry is like the snitch, you can catch him once, but never twice in one game.

"Just a bit of advice," Janice starts. "The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today. H. Jackson Brown, Jr."

"I hate you."

Janice grinned in response. "Good luck, Mr. Potter!"

* * *

Editor's Note: _Welcome to Potter's Practical Advice Column! Here you will find what is hopefully useful, practical and no-nonsense life help/advice that will enrich the quality of your life -for good! So make sure to subscribe to The Daily Prophet if you haven't already because HARRY POTTER AKA THE BOY WHO LIVED AKA THE CHOSEN ONE IS GIVING OUT FREE ADVICE! (Free as long as you're subscribed to us; subscription form is at the back.)_

Harry Potter:_ Hello, wizarding world and Daily Prophet readers (writing this feels very awkward). I'm excited to do my best in giving out practical advice for all you readers. Just a few heads up: There will be no wishy-washy sugarcoating in my answers. I will give real, practical and useful advice. This means saying it as it is because I'm not into false hope (was given too much of that in my youth). Anyway, there is only one ground rule: NO INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES!_

Ginny Potter: _Excuse my husband, he's actually a big softie on the inside. Advice will start on Friday's publication, so make sure to send your problems to the prophet!_

**So I see you've read this far. Thank you. Hopefully, you will stick around for more. I know Harry is a little OOC, but this is for humor's sake. I like to think that adult Harry is much different from angsty teenage Harry, but who knows. Anyway, if you have any dilemmas, feel free to leave in the reviews and Harry will give you some very SERIOUS and PRACTICAL advice. Super, super useful with no humor added whatsoever. Right? Also, the quote Janice said by H. Jackson Brown, Jr actually came from his book, _Life's Little Instruction Book, _which is a goldmine for inspirational quotes.**


	2. Accio Heartbreak!

The Daily Prophet - 03/29/19

Potter's Very Practical and Useful Advice Column, Issue 1

Dear Mr. Potter,

My partner and I have a long distance relationship, and while we try to make it work, he seems to flake on our Skype (it's a Muggle program, like the two-way mirrors) dates! How can I get him to be more responsible about sticking to appointments? I have to rearrange my schedule for this and it's affecting my sleep.

Sincerely,

Impatient in Islington

Hello there, Impatient in Islington! Harry here, are you ready to have your life be changed? By the time you've finished reading my advice, one of two things will happen. Either your love life will become _very_ exciting, or you will cease to have one. Now, listen very carefully. I used to be young and in love. In fact, I still am (despite what my kids say, I look rather dapper for my age). So believe me when I tell you there are two ways to go about this issue - you either attempt to reach out and understand, or you dump their sorry ass. I will try to tackle this problem from both angles.

Let us start with the dumping. There, I said it. I looked into this so-called "Skype" program you have mentioned in your desperate cry for help, and from what I read, there are only so many excuses for not being present in a "digital" meeting (ask your muggle friends you uneducated purebloods). So here's one solution: call them on this "Skype" program, look into their pixelated eyes, and tell them that you're avada kedavraing this relationship. There, done. It's over. Depulso! Accio heartbreak!

Now, onto the second approach to your dilemma. A wiser man might first ask, "what is love?" but I say nay! (I can't believe I just said nay.) Let's try to be understanding human beings. Let us delve into the human condition of loving, and romancing one another. To put it concisely, life is crazy. You have no idea what's going on in your partner's life. When was the last time you even saw them? You know, I once had to flake out in the middle of my brother-in-law's wedding. Yes, I was that guest. While it may have seemed rude at first, once you realize I was actually escaping Death Eaters, and commencing my final journey into defeating Lord Voldemort once and for all, it becomes much easier to forgive and forget. Perhaps your partner is going through something similar? The point is, you never really know what's going on in someone else's life. Try to get an idea of the full picture before taking drastic action. Call them up on Skype, or floo over to them, and slip some Veritaserum into their afternoon tea. Or just ask them what's wrong. Whatever you're more comfortable with, really.

Hope you have a good night's sleep!

From,

Harry Potter

* * *

Dear Harry Potter,

I am writing to you because I heard you have also grown up with muggles. To begin with, I'm a muggleborn witch in her second year at Hogwarts. Joining the wizarding world has been an awesome, radical experience. Never before have I thought that I would even consider trading in my smartphone (a very innovative muggle contraption) for a wooden stick that lights up and does magic tricks. I have so many new friends, and quidditch is exhilarating. However, there is a bit of an issue with my old muggle friends. Every time I go home to visit during school breaks, they swarm me and ask what gives, why aren't I ever online on Facebook or answering my texts. I try telling them that they can reach me through writing a letter, but they just laugh and say letters are a relic of the Middle Ages. And they have a point! I tried telling them that I am enrolled in a strict religious private school in the middle of nowhere in Scotland, but they don't buy it (my parents are both very big fans of Richard Dawkins). How can I keep in touch with my muggle friends without raising suspicions of my magical powers?

Sincerely,

Stumped with Statue of Secrecy

Dear Stumped with Statue of Secrecy,

Perhaps you are writing to the wrong person. Yes, I was raised by muggles. However, for a multitude of reasons, the problem you are experiencing was not an issue for me in my youth. Firstly, seeing as according to your friends I grew up in the Middle Ages, correspondence by letter was standard practice for muggles back then. As such, until recently it was never really an issue for muggle-raised wizards to disappear off the face of the planet while they were at Hogwarts. On top of that...to put it bluntly... I had absolutely no friends in the muggle world. Zero. Nadda. None whatsoever. Yes, I was that kid, but let's not divulge into the reasons as to why that was the case.

Anyway, despite my lack of expertise in this particular field, I will do my best to try to help you. I have a feeling that by now you are craving a feel-good inspirational quote. Well, guess what? You're getting something much better: VERY PRACTICAL AND USEFUL ADVICE. Realistically, distancing yourself from them is a perfectly viable option. In fact, it's the option that involves the least amount of lying and most likely to succeed. So just keep that at the back of your mind while I share with you an alternate option.

Tell them that no one in your school uses Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. Those are for the lame people of the Middle Ages. Introduce them to much better platforms, such as Owlr, FlooChat, and Mirrorgram. I am telling you right now, no one will want to switch platforms for only one person. And if they actually try looking it up? Well sucks to suck, because it's only available in Scotland! Best of luck trying to not expose the wizarding world!

From,

Harry Potter

* * *

"What did I just read?" asked Albus, with a traumatized look on his face.

It was Friday morning, and he was in the Great Hall eating breakfast at the Slytherin table when the owls decided to swoop in and deliver his subscription to The Daily Prophet. He was looking forward to getting caught up on a case in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office (apparently someone managed to curse a muggle program called "Skype"). As well, Albus doesn't like to brag, but he is quite gifted with solving the crossword. But what did he end up with instead? Life advice- and rather poorly written advice at that- from his own father for public consumption.

"Jeez, Al. I never knew your dad had an attitude like that," said Scorpius with a grin on his face.

"It's kinda hot," piped in Emily Parkinson from the other side of the table. Albus threw his face onto the table and pulled his hair.

"Whoa there! Not in front of the offspring!" Scorpius yelled back at her. A true friend.

"This is so embarrassing. Am I allowed to send a howler to my own father?" Before Scorpius could reply, James swooped in and said his part.

"If you're making one, can I help? Seriously, 'dump their sorry ass?' 'Accio heartbreak?' Who says that?"

"Good morning, James." There he was, standing in front of Al and Scorp, with his red tie undone, and a cocky smirk plastered on his face. What a bad boy.

"Hey Scorp," James starts. "Don't mind us, we're both just thoroughly traumatized after reading that piece of work." He looks back at Al. "So when do you want to write the howler?"

"Shouldn't you guys be studying for your OWLs or NEWTs? Or something." And four people is now a party.

"Lily! Did you read The Prophet today?" exclaimed James.

"I have."

"Did you read all of it?" adds Albus.

"Everything but the crossword."

"Are you sure? Did you do it thoroughly?"

"Extremely thoroughly," she drawled.

"So why aren't you panicking with us?!" James asked.

"Because I enjoyed dad's advice column! It sounded just like him. It's almost as though we're back at home and he's giving us those weird lectures again combined with his rants about inspirational quotes. Don't you ever get homesick?"

Albus looks at Scorpius while James thinks of his Quidditch team. Simultaneously they answer, "not really."

"Not creepy at all," commented Scorpius.

"Aren't you embarrassed at least? Now the world knows that your father is trying to wage a war against inspirational quotes," said James.

"And said 'Accio heartbreak,'" Al chimed in.

"Yeah, that was pretty cringey."

"Why would I be embarrassed? This column is revealing his true personality! The entire world sees him as this distanced war hero, while only his close friends and family know him for who he really is - a kind, yet slightly weird adult going through a midlife crisis."

"Why would you want people to know that?" said Scorpius.

"Because it's authentic!"

"Well, I hate authenticity," said Al.

"That's because you're a Slytherin."

"Whoa there! That was a low blow, Lils," said Scorpius.

"It's fine. Anyway, I'm going to the owlery to make a Howler anyway. You coming, James?"

"Hell yeah!"

"I'll supervise you guys, make you don't go too overboard," Scorpius sighed. Despite James and Al seeming to be complete opposites at first glance, their similarities become uncanny once you get to know them.

"Oh crap. I'm gonna go up to Gryffindor tower to get my special quill for writing howlers. I'll meet you and your boyfriend at the owlery!"

"He's not my boyfriend!" Albus spluttered, while Scorpius just looked away awkwardly.

James waved goodbye. "See ya!" He then grabbed Lily's arm and left the Great Hall to Gryffindor Tower.

"Why am I coming with you?"

"Because I don't want to be seen walking alone."

"So you're one of those people who's very self-conscious about being perceived as a loner?"

"In a nutshell, yes."

As they step through the Fat Lady's portrait, Lily sighs and runs her hand through her red hair.

"Um, James?"

"Aye-aye, Lils."

"Maybe you shouldn't tease Al like that. I'm pretty sure Al and Scorp actually like each other…"

James pauses and looks up at the ceiling. Why do some people like staring at the ceiling when they're in deep thought?

"He never told me he's gay. Nah, he wouldn't keep that from us."

"You really are an idiot."

* * *

Janice was putting the finishing touches on her howler for Potter. How dare he use a profanity in a PUBLIC newspaper? Does he not understand the consequences of his actions? Already, she has received a howler from two mothers named Debbie, and it was only nine in the morning! Never again, will she trust Ginny Potter to proofread her husband's work. Conflict of interest at its finest!

OK, so maybe Janice is mad, but she really isn't the bad guy here. This is her job after all, and she's just doing her best to try to keep it for as long as possible. She's saving up money so that one day she could retire somewhere sunny, like Florida.

She then stood up and walked to her fireplace, to talk to Ginny through the floo network.

"Hey, Gin. From now on, I edit Potter's work. Also, I suggest you leave your home for the next hour or so. I sent a very strongly worded letter to him, and I wouldn't want my favourite reporter to lose their hearing so young."

"OK, thanks for the warning! Sorry about the editing, he might've...distracted me a little," Ginny replied.

"I did not need to know that."

"Goodbye!" and then Ginny was gone from her fireplace.

"I should've just become an accountant," muttered Janice to herself.

* * *

** Hello there! The chapter is complete! I honestly didn't expect it to take so long to write, but here we are. I'm still on the fence if I should start every chapter with the advice column and then pick up on the loose narrative, or if I should change the order. Anyway, thank you for reading this far! And thank you to everyone who favourited and followed this story! It really means a lot. Special thanks for ****fEmAleNoMad and ****Hinny FTW's kind reviews, and thanks ****fEmAleNoMad for providing Impatient in Islington's dilemma! **

**Don't be a stranger, leave a review or two (or seven)! And if you want Harry to give you advice, just leave a letter in the review section as well. **


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